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Queen City Poly

Queen City Poly

By Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil

Queen City Poly is a podcast dedicated to connecting real people with real solutions for their relationship goals. Focused on communication, consent, and autonomy, we discuss polyamory and ethical non-monogamy as well as broader topics concerning open relationships of all structures and configurations (polyamorous and otherwise). We also call on monogamous friends and special guests to share their views on love, sex, family, psychology, sociology, and other tangents that spark our curious minds. Based in Queen City (Charlotte, North Carolina).
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Ep. 39 - New is No Excuse

Queen City PolyJul 31, 2019

00:00
47:17
Ep. 45 - Biphobia within Polyamory

Ep. 45 - Biphobia within Polyamory

On episode 45, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kay discuss polyamorous folx who have sexual orientation "preferences" for their partners, gender "preferences" for their potential metas, and the bi-phobia and bi-erasure that happens even within so-called, open-minded polyamorous communities.  Tune in to listen to us get real about this nonsense. 

Oct 02, 201928:13
Ep. 44 - One Night Stands

Ep. 44 - One Night Stands

Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss the general consensus among the polyamorous community (ha!) about one-night stands. They answer questions such as: Would you be upset if your partner had one and told you about it afterwards? Do you expect to be able to have one without any drama from your partner(s)? What even qualifies as a one night stand? Have you ever had one? Can you enjoy casual sex and/or one night stands within polyamorous relationships?

Sep 18, 201931:01
Ep. 43 - Hierarchy

Ep. 43 - Hierarchy

On episode 43, Coach Kay and Brian O'Neil discuss prescriptive versus descriptive hierarchy, relationship anarchy, and a special form of hierarchy, SNEAKARCHY. 


Sep 11, 201942:24
Ep. 42 - Nesting Partners

Ep. 42 - Nesting Partners

In episode 42, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk nesting partnerships and the assumptions that come having or not having partners who you cohabitate with.
Sep 04, 201933:40
Ep. 41 - PDA and Polyamory

Ep. 41 - PDA and Polyamory

You arrive to a bar and see your polyam partner in an embrace with a stranger. Their arms around this person's neck. This person's arms around your polyam partner’s waist. Just a couple of inches between their faces. Clearly they are in a flirtatious moment.

The question is, is this acceptable because you are polyamorous? Check out Episode 41 - PDA and Polyamory to hear @iamcoachkay and @iambrianoneil discuss the nuances of flirting, showing affection, and dating when you have other partners that may have feelings seeing you doing any of these things in front of them.

#polyamorous #charlotte #podcast #polyamory #nonmonogamy #communication #flirting #unconventionalrelationships #healthyrelationships #selfdevelopment #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #relationshipstatus #health #dating #loveislove #queencitypoly
Aug 14, 201941:41
Ep. 40 - Communicating Non-Consent

Ep. 40 - Communicating Non-Consent

In episode 40, Brian O'Neil talks openly about being touched non-consensually following a recent standup gig after he talked about his polyamorous relationship style on stage. We sat down to talk about this experience as well as his experience sharing his story on Facebook. 

Women are not immune to being the aggressor and perpetrator of sexual assault. Explicit, enthusiastic consent should be sought after throughout every interaction by the initiator of any and all sexual advances. But when that doesn’t happen, what can we do to communicate we do not consent in a way that feels comfortable in the moment? 

#polyamorous #charlotte #podcast #consent #metoo #malesexualassault #standup #comedy #polyamory #nonmonogamy #communication #unconventionalrelationships #healthyrelationships #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #relationshipstatus #dating #loveislove #queencitypoly 

Aug 07, 201944:47
Ep. 39 - New is No Excuse

Ep. 39 - New is No Excuse

In episode 39 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss examples of “seasoned” polyamorous people accommodating newly polyamorous partners with rules and agreements that threaten their own autonomy and do not serve their or their new partners needs.
Jul 31, 201947:17
Ep. 38 - Polyamory Or My Marriage

Ep. 38 - Polyamory Or My Marriage

In Episode 38, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk about Brian's internet friend who is exploring the idea of polyamory but does not know how to get through to her husband, who is not having any of it. But before they dive into responding to that difficult situation, they discuss the popular mantra, Growth Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone.
Jul 24, 201939:14
Ep. 37 - The Law of Fuck Yes or No

Ep. 37 - The Law of Fuck Yes or No

In Episode 37, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss Mark Manson’s blog article titled, Fuck Yes or No. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. Check out Mar Manson’s blog for the full article and then tune into this week’s episode.
Jul 18, 201950:06
Ep. 36 - Communication Preferences and Compatibility

Ep. 36 - Communication Preferences and Compatibility

In Episode 36, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk about how communications preferences impact compatibility, including: requiring daily communication, feelings regarding small talk, preferred communication modes (face-to-face, text, phone), needs for intellectually stimulating conversations, sense of humor, passive versus direct communicators, and people who are either “too talkative” or “too quiet.”

How does a partner’s communication style and/or their communication preferences factor into y’alls compatibility? Let us know!
Jul 10, 201955:04
Ep. 35 - A 'Throuple' Joins the Red Table
Jul 03, 201947:18
Ep. 34 - The Insatiable Woman

Ep. 34 - The Insatiable Woman

Jun 27, 201947:42
Ep. 33 - Red Table Talk talks Infidelity with Esther Perel, and we LOVED it.
Jun 20, 201929:52
Ep. 32 - The Honeymoon Phase or Normal Behavior?

Ep. 32 - The Honeymoon Phase or Normal Behavior?

A viral tweet from late last year that continues to recirculate states, “The honeymoon phase doesn’t exist when you fall for someone who is dedicated to making you feel loved and admired the ENTIRE time you’re theirs. Stop normalizing the loss of affection in relationships, that is a choice, not a phase.” Check out episode 32 of Queen City Poly and listen in as we discuss this problematic pseudo advice for people seeking loving relationships. Find out what we think this quote gets right and what it gets wrong. What do you think? Does the honeymoon phase exist? Do we normalize the loss of affection in relationships?
Jun 12, 201949:40
Ep. 31 - 17 Reasons Why I Want More Polyamorous Representation

Ep. 31 - 17 Reasons Why I Want More Polyamorous Representation

There are many reasons why we need more (and better) polyamorous representation. In episode 31, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss 17 of them! Do you have any to add? What do you think of the list so far?
Jun 05, 201936:19
Ep. 30 - I Just Don’t Want You to Get Hurt.

Ep. 30 - I Just Don’t Want You to Get Hurt.

It’s hard to stay out of the way and watch a person you love navigate the perilous dating scene, making decisions differently than you would. It can be tempting to offer up all kinds of unsolicited advice and encouragement. You may believe you are just trying to protect them with helpful suggestions or suggesting new rules of engagement. In episode 30 of Queen City Poly, Coach Kay and Brian O'Neil discuss a scenario where a husband’s input on his wife’s dating life sets a dangerous tone towards codependency and inadvertent couple’s privilege, and how he might approach his feelings a different way.
May 29, 201940:34
Ep. 29 - Polyamorous, but not actively dating…

Ep. 29 - Polyamorous, but not actively dating…

In episode 29, Coach Kaey and Brian O’Neil discuss how one manages their ethically non-monogamous identities while balancing all of their other goals and struggles of everyday life. When you are not actively dating (and have less than two partners) do you feel less polyamorous? Where does dating rank on your list of priorities?
Mar 13, 201943:46
Ep. 28 - Alzheimer’s and Non-Monogamy

Ep. 28 - Alzheimer’s and Non-Monogamy

In episode 28 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey share some news about finger guns in the Charlotte comedy scene as well as Brian’s latest attempt at talking to a pretty lady. Then the duo discuss the recent controversy about B. Smith and Dan Gasby’s marriage. B. Smith and Dan Gasby have been public about their struggles following B’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis in 2013 and have even co-authored a book, titled, ‘Before I Forget: Love, Hope, Help, and Acceptance in Our Fight Against Alzheimer's’. Dan’s latest declaration of happiness in his new relationship with Alex Lerner is sparking quite a heated debate from those who do not condone any sort of non-monogamous relations, Alzheimer’s or no Alzheimer’s.

Read more about the controversial Twitter and Facebook backlash on Blavity.
Feb 13, 201944:54
Ep. 27 - Middle Ground

Ep. 27 - Middle Ground

Is it possible to love more than one person? What roles do jealousy and attraction play in relationships? What makes a relationship work? Jubilee Media brought polyamorous and monogamous people together to discuss their beliefs on love in season two, episode five of their show, Middle Ground. In episode 27 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey talk about their experience watching the episode and discuss the conversations and topics in the video.
Feb 06, 201932:42
Ep. 26 - Incompatible Love

Ep. 26 - Incompatible Love

Jan 30, 201929:24
Ep. 25 - Nothing Serious

Ep. 25 - Nothing Serious

Coach Kaey has been swiping right and now she has a question for Brian O’Neil. What exactly does, ‘I’m looking for casual, nothing serious’ mean?
Jan 23, 201938:01
Ep. 24 - What Was This Episode About?

Ep. 24 - What Was This Episode About?

In episode 24, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey ramble with their coffee about sexual orientation, bi and pan erasure, same sex attraction, sexual confidence and compatibility, porn, consent, gender norms, religious education in the south, marriage, children, and how Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey differ about their stance on dogs. We will not promise a coherent episode this time around, we are off on tangents, and we hope you enjoy the ride.
Jan 16, 201930:38
Ep. 23 - New Year, New Goals

Ep. 23 - New Year, New Goals

Jan 02, 201954:23
Ep. 22 - Flirting While Poly(am!)

Ep. 22 - Flirting While Poly(am!)

Dec 19, 201848:33
Ep. 21 - Berlin & Back!

Ep. 21 - Berlin & Back!

Aug 15, 201844:59
Ep. 20 - Boy Bye

Ep. 20 - Boy Bye

Aug 01, 201841:43
Ep. 19 - You're Poly?

Ep. 19 - You're Poly?

In this episode, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey answer a listener question on how to handle a polyamorous-identified person that doesn’t seem to want their partner dating others. It’s a common myth that polyamorous people are more enlightened than monogamous people. We dispel those myths while Brian processes his own relationship woes.
Jul 25, 201837:36
Ep. 18 - Who Pays?

Ep. 18 - Who Pays?

In episode 18, Coach Kaey and Brian discuss how they have managed money in previous relationships. Polyamorous or not, money and relationships intermingle, but a taboo exists when it comes to talking about it. This week on Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey answer questions like: Who pays for the first date? In a relationship, who buys the condoms? If you buy a woman a drink, what should you expect?
Jul 18, 201801:02:56
Ep. 17 - Brian's Poly Anniversary

Ep. 17 - Brian's Poly Anniversary

In episode 17, Coach Kaey asks Brian to reflect on his two year anniversary of ethical non-monogamy. How have his views on love, relationships, sexuality, women, dependency, and more changed since he began his journey.
Jul 11, 201801:01:54
Ep. 16 - Meeting Metamours

Ep. 16 - Meeting Metamours

In episode 16, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the awkwardness of meeting your metamours. What's a metamour? A metamour is your partner’s partner. The duo tackles expectations when meeting a metamour and communicating your boundaries inside this type of relationship.
Jul 04, 201839:23
Ep. 15 - When Enough is Enough

Ep. 15 - When Enough is Enough

In episode 15, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey discuss when enough is enough in relationships. We all have our different reasons for leaving and for staying, but knowing our own boundaries and those of our partners is extremely helpful. Our diversity in values and personal experiences shape our decisions regarding when we stick it out and when we tell people to go kick rocks.
Jun 27, 201838:09
Ep. 14 - New Relationship Energy (NRE)

Ep. 14 - New Relationship Energy (NRE)

In episode 14 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey discuss New Relationship Energy (NRE), the strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of a new romantic relationship, which can lasts anywhere from a few months to several years. We’ve all felt this before, it’s what romantic comedies are made of. What is the biological chemistry that happens when we fall in love? Is love a drug? Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey talk about their own experiences with NRE and give advice and tips for riding the waves of NRE into relationships without wreaking havoc on your other relationships or your life.
Jun 20, 201841:01
Ep. 13 - Catching Feelings

Ep. 13 - Catching Feelings

Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey celebrate a new chapter that is both exciting and terrifying. Brian O’Neil is still obsessed with where Lee surrendered to Grant during the Civil War and Coach Kaey still does not care. In episode 13 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey dissect the dark romantic comedy Catching Feelings, written, directed, and staring Kagiso Lediga, which follows an urbane young academic and his beautiful wife (played by Pearl Thusi), as their lives get turned upside down when a celebrated and hedonistic older writer (played by Andrew Buckkland) moves into their Johannesburg home with them.
Jun 13, 201843:12
Ep. 12 - Mental Health & Polyamory

Ep. 12 - Mental Health & Polyamory

On episode 12 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the importance of good self care when managing mental health illnesses and crisis within polyamory. How does having multiple relationships change your mental health care routines?
Jun 06, 201846:04
Ep. 11 - Ethics & Values
May 22, 201853:53
Ep. 10 - Input or Control?

Ep. 10 - Input or Control?

How much input does/do your partner(s) have on your other relationships? As much as you let them…
May 02, 201847:48
Ep. 9 - WTF is Micro-Cheating?

Ep. 9 - WTF is Micro-Cheating?

In episode 9 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the term "micro cheating." What does it mean? Is it a thing? Should you care? What are the implications of policing any and all of your partner's opposite sex interactions?  

Apr 16, 201846:06
Ep. 8 - The Boy Is Mine

Ep. 8 - The Boy Is Mine

In this Valentine's Day inspired episode, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey invite you to travel back to the 90s and early 2000s and explore monogamous themes in some of their favorite throwback jams.  We hope you enjoy! Comment and let us know what songs we forgot and what songs you want us to review next :)
Feb 20, 201801:10:23
Ep. 7 - Infidelity

Ep. 7 - Infidelity

Brian O’Neil & Coach Kaey discuss infidelity and go off on relationship tangents like a the Gemini Sun/Gemini Moon pair that they are. To know more - listen to the episode!

Feb 06, 201835:21
Ep. 6 - Challenging the Patriarchy

Ep. 6 - Challenging the Patriarchy

Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss feminism and patriarchy and how men can help women/help with stigma associated with sexually liberated identities. Brian O'Neil reads Rudy Francisco's Poem ,“Altar,” and have a conversation about how men can talk to men about what women want in a constructive way. Hint: Honesty is key.

Later in the episode, they answer a listener question, "How do you stay out of your metamour's way?"

Jan 23, 201854:27
Ep. 5 - Coming Out

Ep. 5 - Coming Out

In episode 5, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kay discuss the process of coming out as polyamorous and how it differs from the coming out process of LGBTQ folks. Do you need to come out? Will anyone poison your cereal? Find out the answers to these questions and more when you check out episode 5 of Queen City Poly.

Jan 20, 201841:13
Ep. 4 - Impermanence & Polyamory

Ep. 4 - Impermanence & Polyamory

In episode 4, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss Buddhism, the concept of impermanence, and how that reality of life relates to relationships whether monogamous or polyamorous.

Jan 20, 201843:24
Ep. 3 - Poly Love, a Documentary - A Review

Ep. 3 - Poly Love, a Documentary - A Review

Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay review Poly Love, an 2016 documentary by Michelle Flores. Be warned, there are spoilers in this episode, so if you want to see the documentary first, watch it now on Amazon Prime.

Jan 02, 201843:44
Ep. 2 - Seeking Community

Ep. 2 - Seeking Community

Why is leaving a track of broken hearts is especially problematic in polyamorous dynamics? Multiple relationships is not an easy road of settling down into bliss. It takes constant communication and checking in. But for those of us that want an ethical, non-monogamous life filled with love, it's worth it. We dish out our strategies for finding online poly community and what we've found helpful and not helpful. Brian discusses the high need for counselors who are poly-friendly and why he feels confident that moving his career in this direction will provide benefit to the poly community. Then we touch on other communities that may have a slightly higher poly-population that you can also seek out. What about finding partners? In Episode 2, we touch on how we date, when we tell potential partners about our polyamorous lifestyle, our best tips on first dates, and how the different dynamics of how "out" we are how affect how we date. Do you call Charlotte home? Check out the Charlotte Poly Network (CPN) on Meetup for Queen City poly people. 

Dec 25, 201742:55
Ep. 1 - Welcome to Queen City Poly

Ep. 1 - Welcome to Queen City Poly

Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil introduce themselves and kick off the first episode of Queen City Poly. In this episode, Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil  discuss their polyamory origin stories and a bit about who they are and where they come from. They also discuss Spike Lee's new Netflix series She's Gotta Have It and the ways in which polyamory is brought up across the sexes in relationships. In a heterosexual dynamic, who typically brings up non-monogamy? What's the deal with homophobia and sexual jealousy within monogamous relationships and cross-sex friendships? Is opening the door for a member of the same sex a southern taboo or a more general patriarchal taboo and what the hell is up with that? The vibe is intended to be conversational and chill. 

We hope you feel like you are with us in the living room, just talking relationships.

Dec 22, 201718:59