Disagree better
By Tammy Lenski
Disagree betterMar 13, 2018
Discovering and managing conflict hooks, part 2
Here's an exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions.
Find episode transcript here.
Find part 1 here.
How knowing your conflict hooks helps reduce conflict in your life.
More about my book here and the free worksheet here.
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Discovering and managing your conflict hooks, part 1
Unburied empathy
Use these 5 phrases to air your grievances and get heard
How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they’ll actually listen.
Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the printable cheat sheet here. Subscribe to my monthly Subtack newsletter here.
Disagree better by asking great questions
It’s tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we can do something more powerful and, ultimately, more satisfying: Help people illuminate what’s important and generate effective solutions to problems.
Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter here.
25 ways to disagree better from 25 years of writing about conflict resolution
Identify a problem’s primary drivers with a relationship diagram
One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don’t sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they address behavioral elements of the conflict without also addressing systemic elements that drive the behavior. The Relationship Diagram is an excellent tool for overcoming both of these problem-solving hurdles.
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Getting through the day with a bit of grace
Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a way to disagree better even when we think we’re handling the encounter well and they’re not.
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Stop rehearsing your stuck story
Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. It’s not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals.
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How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship at work or home
Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior.
- Episode transcript
- When they're not ready to talk
- How to navigate the "not my problem" problem
- A question to help make sure you're solving the same problem
- The "real issue" black hole
- Instead of labeling, describe the behavior
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Don't bury anger's lede (replay)
I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives.
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The illusion of understanding
When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here’s one way to do it.
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Get into their movie
It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier.
- Episode transcript
- The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir
- The negative effects of trying to stand in their shoes
- More on practicing in low-stakes situations
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A question to help ease suffering during conflict
Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it.
An article about Epstein's and Black's work
Small caring actions to ease suffering
Every conflict contains a bid to be seen
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Walk it out to work it out
Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why.
- Episode transcript
- 2014 Stanford University research
- 2022 Max Planck Institute research
- A long walk with two mediation clients
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A powerful way to change conflict habits
My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful.
- Episode transcript
- The "as if" technique
- Ruth Chang's method for making hard choices
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
- More on recurring small wins
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Generate more creative solutions with this question
When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions.
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Don’t avoid small fights
Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations.
- Episode transcript
- The problem with totalizing
- The sample list of things to practice, along with information about each
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Ask this simple question to help regulate emotions
When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question.
- Episode transcript
- The 2007 research
- The 2018 research
- The 2021 research
- Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations
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Sometimes it’s not a conversation that changes their mind
When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice.
- Episode transcript
- The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos
- More on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversation
- Shared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that conflict has splintered
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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How to confront someone without seeming confrontational
Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative.
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Three essential components of highly effective listening
Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening.
- Episode transcript
- The journal article
- Every conflict contains a bid to be seen
- Multitasking is bad for good listening
- The downside of copious note-taking
- Practicing transparency when overwhelmed by a long-winded talker
- Seeing the equal human in front of us
- Leading with our curiosity
- The downsides of setting ground rules at the beginning of a mediation
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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An upside to recurring conflict: Relational stress wood
Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships.
- Episode transcript
- About Biosphere 2
- About trees and stress wood
- How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later
- When parents avoid disagreeing in front of child or routinely break up sibling arguments
- When parents prevent their child from expressing emotions
- How healthy relationships benefit from conflict
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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The triviality trap
When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important.
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The foreseeable now
This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution.
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Be a better listener with this one crucial habit
You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses.
- Episode transcript
- Celeste Headlee
- Charles Derber
- Stealing someone's story
- Holding the space
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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A mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out
When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here’s an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out — and for managing other troublesome impulses too.
- Episode transcript
- Why it's hard to reason someone back into reasonableness
- Why it's good to interrupt rumination
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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What happens *after* conflict resolution?
Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again?
- Episode transcript
- Pema Chödrön's Getting Unstuck
- More about the power of perceived understanding in relationships
- Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict
- When conflict is real but not true
- Tammy's book, The Conflict Pivot
- Tammy on twitter
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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Ghost rules
We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it’s easy to overlook someone violating what we consider to be conversational norms. But when conflict enters the picture, our Ghost Rules can contribute to tension and escalation.
- Episode transcript
- Two ghost rules my husband and I had when we met
- The conflict resolution toolbox
- Buy Tammy a coffee
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Making the impossible possible
When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultimate questions deserve a permanent place in our conflict resolution and problem-solving toolkits.
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Anger resets
When we’re on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to clients I’m coaching or in anticipation of mediation, including ones I use myself.
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7 tried-and-true ways to safeguard the space between
The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree.
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Disagreeing in front of others? Take it offline
When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them.
Find the transcript with links here.
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To reduce defensiveness, build up the social bond
Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. To reduce defensiveness and increase their willingness to take responsibility, use this research-supported approach when you confront.
Find the transcript with links here.
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Conflict resolution is like driving at night in the fog
Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn’t start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there.
Find the transcript with links here.
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Three threads at the heart of every argument
When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for a much better conversation.
Find the transcript with links here.
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The non-comeback comeback after an insult
Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates.
Find the transcript with links here.
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New name for the podcast
The Space Between is now called Disagree Better
An alternative to perspective-taking when you want to reduce animosity
When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. But what if there’s something even more powerful for the job?
Find the transcript with links here.
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What is the real issue?
A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking and I have an alternative question to propose.
Find the transcript with links here.
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A conflict resolution mini-manifesto
Five ways to stop "less-than"-ing during conflict and conflict resolution.
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Is a distancing spiral quietly damaging your important relationship?
Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all.
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Introducing QueryCards
Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution.
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When opinions contrast sharply, practice scales
Practicing scales is an elegantly simple way to get a read on where someone stands along a continuum. It’s useful for illuminating the nuances in disagreements that sound polarized.
Find the transcript with links here.
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Three alternatives to rumination after an argument
Ruminating — dwelling on troubled thoughts and feelings — impairs good decision-making and can make us more aggressive. It’s a seductive habit and I really want everyone to develop alternatives that serve us better. Maybe one of these three alternatives to rumination will be a good replacement habit for you.
Find the transcript with links here.
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How to be truly helpful when someone is upset
When someone is upset, one familiar response is to ignore it and forge ahead. Another is to try to make them feel better with kind reassurance. Both of these approaches are a version of “make it go away.” There’s a third, more fruitful approach: Turn toward it.
Find the transcript with links here.
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On the importance of knowing what really matters
They say that if we see a pothole on the road in front of us and we focus on it, we will inadvertently steer right toward it. To avoid the pothole, the trick is to broaden our view and focus on where we actually want to go. This kind of deliberate focusing of our attention on the kind of future we want is essential in conflict resolution too, as this negotiation story from U.S. President Jimmy Carter reminds us.
Find the transcript with links here.
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Behind every criticism is a wish
It’s possible to turn criticism into a positive conversation, whether you’re the recipient of someone’s criticism or you’ve gotten feedback about being too critical. The key is to find the hidden message the criticism is trying to convey. Here’s how to do that.
Find the transcript with links here.
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Break down listening barriers with these 4 questions
Conflict is very good at creating listening barriers. When they’re talking we’re only half listening while we wait to talk, formulate our comeback, struggle to keep calm, and fall into other habits that get in the way of good listening. If you’re in a position to help someone come back into good listening, try these four questions to prompt the return (you can use them with yourself, too).
Find the transcript with links here.
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An uncomplicated way to reduce the pitfalls of emotional memories during conflict resolution
When negative experiences leave someone with strong emotional memories, discussing those experiences during conflict resolution can be tricky territory. The solution isn’t to suppress discussion of negative events or ask people to set aside their strong emotions. Recent research offers insight into a simple way to navigate emotional memories in a way that reduces the negative side effects.
Find the transcript with links here.
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